Apparently, several months back, I entered some sort of contest to win a trip somewhere. At least, that's what the man who just called my work phone said. I asked him where exactly I entered, and he said, "at the mall." Which mall, pray tell? He couldn't say. I don't really make it a habit of going to malls, let alone the mall, so this was thoroughly puzzling.
But long story short, I WON! An all-expenses-paid trip to...Las Vegas.
Yep. Vegas. I know I'm not the only person for whom Las Vegas holds zero cache. I don't go to casinos, I don't delight in watching women in feathered headdresses parading around topless (and if I did, I could find that in my own fair city, as we have more strip clubs per capita than well, anywhere), and if I wanted desert, I'd go to Morocco. I'd probably get more excited if you offered me a free trip to Omaha.
But I was willing to let this guy give the spiel he was obvious raring to spill, since it was almost 5 p.m., and I didn't really feel like working much anymore. He kept emphasizing the words "free" and "all expenses paid" before slipping in the catch.
"All you need to do is come by our office in Vancouver and watch our 90-minute video about our timeshares, and the trip is yours!" he exclaimed.
90 minutes?! Buddy, if I had 90 minutes, I'd spend it watching Ratatouille, not some crappy video about timeshares. And you just knew it had to be about timeshares.
He then had the gall to ask, "Do you have a boyfriend or husband?"
Looking back, I really wished I said something more biting than, "Yeah, but he doesn't like signing up for things." I mean, think of the possibilities. "Yes. I have one of each!" or "No. He died," or just "How dare you, you presumptuous twat!"
"Well, why don't you bring him with you anyway. That way, if you see something you like on the video, you can discuss it with him right there. And you can say, honey, I really want this one! This is how we do our marketing, instead of paying millions for TV ads."
Clearly, you are a marketing genius! The "whine to your man to get what you want because you're a feeble little woman with no faculties of her own" tactic works EVERY time. (Just an aside: if I called Scott "honey," he'd barf, and then I'd barf.)
"So, can you come in tomorrow?" he asked. "The deal is, you have to come in person to claim your prize in the next two days. What about Saturday?"
My precious weekend? You must be dreaming, buddy.
"You know, I'm really busy the next couple days," I said, "Why don't you just draw someone else's name?"
"Uh...what?" he asked, as if the thought had never occurred to him. "But you won...?"
"I don't think it's going to work out, you can just give it to someone else."
Let's see now...because
a) Las Vegas is gross
b) I don't have 90 minutes to spare tomorrow or Saturday
c) because your thinly-veiled misogyny is beginning to piss me off
d) Las Vegas is gross